


Trying and Hoping

by Dylena



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Ending, Angst, C2E105 spoilers, Caleb loves Jester, Character Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Jester dies, Suicidal Thoughts, but she gets better
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-28
Updated: 2020-09-28
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:29:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26700697
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dylena/pseuds/Dylena
Summary: Spilers for C2E105Vokodo makes his save, the spell gets reflected.The Traveler may know someone who can help.
Relationships: Jester Lavorre/Caleb Widogast, background Perc'ahlia
Comments: 2
Kudos: 70





	Trying and Hoping

**Author's Note:**

> English is not my first language, so I apologise for any mistakes.

Most people who met Caleb Widogast thought that he was extremely intelligent, and he thought the same about himself. But not in that moment. Vokodo seemed weak when Jester banished him. After a couple of seconds of thinking, they decided to bring him back and kill him. He carried so much riches on his back, and they gave him some unique items. It was a good plan, they attack him at the same time, he dies, they leave this damned volcano. Caleb was overconfident and he didn’t think… He just… Disintegrate was his most powerful spell. It would surely kill Vokodo, right? That day, when he woke up, he was happy, happier than he had been in a long time, he was with his friends, with Jester, and he couldn’t remember the terrible things he had done. Of course it wasn’t right, and he needed his memories back, but all the same, he was truly happy for a little while. If he just thought it through everything would be okay, but because he was stupid and careless…

He didn’t realize at first, none of them realized at first. Just after Vokodo was dead. Just after they saw that city-like creature from the Astral See. It was strange and terrifying but still, he was happy when he saw the monster lying on the floor of the cave without moving. He looked around his friend with a small smile, he saw Beau smiling back at him before he searched for those purple eyes, but he couldn’t find the tiefling where she was before. She wasn’t there. There was only a pink haversack and a shield on the floor. There was mud in the water.

“Jester?” Someone else called as Caleb started to realize what happened.

She was… Jester was…

It was all his fault.

He was in Blumenthal watching and hearing his family burning. He was in Asarius, under the well throwing a fireball at his friends, making a firewall to hurt his friends. He was in the same volcano watching as his spell reflects from Vokodo’s skin and targets Jester instead. He saw the surprise, the fear and then the pain on that beautiful blue face before it all become dust.

Even if he didn’t see exactly what happened, he could imagine, and maybe that was even worse.

* * *

Caleb was catatonic, Veth and Fjord was panicking, on Yasha’s face there was pure disbelief, Beau was screaming in anger and denial, screaming for Caduceus to do something, Caduceus and Vilya just looked sad.

* * *

By the time they get out of the volcano the water was almost cold. Caleb haven’t talked, hardly reacted to anything. They had to guide him. No one was talking. They sat on the deck of the Eden’s Horizon, staring at the floor before them. No one know how much time passed like this. Especially not Caleb.

“We have to bring her back, right? There must be a way. What do we need?” asked Beau breaking the silence. She was looking at Caduceus.

“There is a spell I heard about. But I don’t know anyone who is powerful enough to do it. Or has enough diamonds.” It was Vilya who answered, not Caduceus.

“How many diamonds?” asked Veth.

“25000 golds worth,” answered the druid.

“Shit,” murmured Fjord.

There was another couple of seconds of silence before anyone said anything.

“Traveler?” Everyone was surprised when they heard Caleb talk. They were even more surprised, when they heard a quiet poof noise, and then the Traveler’s green cloak. He quietly sat down in the circle without saying anything. He knew what happened, he felt it, his best friend, his favourite person in the world was dead. Worse than death, there was nothing left of her. And he couldn’t do anything.

“Can you bring her back?” asked Beauregard. He shaked his head. “Do you know anyone who can bring her back?”

Artagan started to shake his head again, but abandoned the movement when he remembered a conversation he overheard a long time ago. It was before he met Jester, before he left the Feywild.

He liked Vox Machina, they were amusing, so when it came to his notice that they returned to the Feywild he decided to approach them. He was lonely, he hoped he could have some good time with them. But all of them was sad back then, much like the Mighty Nein was at the moment. But he overheard Keyleth saying, that she could bring back Vax, even if he didn’t have a body.

“I… Maybe. I will see what I can do,” answered the Traveler before teleporting away to Tal’Dorei. Everyone looked at the place he was sitting just moments ago in surprise, except Caleb.

* * *

Caleb know that everything was his fault. He killed his parents, he killed Jester. He kept murdering everyone he loved. He shouldn’t be allowed to live.

* * *

It was a nice day in Whitestone. The spring was nearing its end, it was almost summer. Keyleth decided to visit her friends and spend some days with them before the Zenith. She was sitting on Vax’ildan’s bench, a raven in her lap, Vex’ahlia next to her. Trinket laid his head into Vex’s lap. Everything was quite and calm. Until they heard a poof noise from the woods.

Keyleth grabbed her staff, the raven flew to the back of the bench, Vex and Trinket snapped their heads up when they heard the familiar sound of teleportation. A few minutes later they saw Artagan stepping out of the forest. The two women looked at each other suspiciously. It wasn’t every day that they saw the archfey, but they soon turned back to his direction. He looked strange. Every time they met him before, he always looked mischievous, joyous, but know he was unusually serious and determined, he looked even… sad.

“Keyleth, Vex, I need your help. Please, it’s really important.”

The two half-elves looked at each other surprised, they were definitely curious.

“There is this amazing person, she is my best friend really, she is so clever and bright, and chaotic, occasionally I doubt that I could cause the same level of chaos. And she is the kindest person I’ve ever met…” suddenly he became silent. Vex and Keyleth both looked dumbfounded. Artagan had a friend?

“She… She was disintegrated.” His eyes are wet, like he is almost crying. “Please. Can you bring her back?” he says pleadingly.

The women grasped each other’s hands, remembering a time so long ago when…

The raven jumped to Keyleth’s shoulders and rubbed his head against her face. Vex petted the bird with a sad expression on her face as Kiki tightened her grip on her hand. Their eyes met. They didn’t need to say anything to each other to come to a decision.

“We will help you.”

* * *

Caleb couldn’t take it anymore. He was sitting with his knees pulled up, his arms and head on them, focusing on one point on the floor, but he could feel the other’s eyes on him. They must hate him. It was his fault that Jester died. If only he used another spell, even if it got reflected, Caduceus could have brought her back. He couldn’t take it anymore, so he silently stood up and went to the back of the ship and sit down behind some barrels. He was shaking, his hands were playing with a piece of wire. He almost summoned Frumpkin, but he didn’t deserved the small comfort the cat could provide.

Some time passed, he didn’t know that it was minutes or hours, which was strange for him, but he couldn’t care. But then Veth was there in front of him, and she started to speak. “Caleb, it wasn’t your f—”

“Don’t,” snickered Caleb with a raspy voice. He didn’t want to hear that. They both know that it was a lie. His eyes were filled with tears as he looked up at Veth for a short second. Her eyes were misty as she reached out to touch his arms.

They sat like that for a while, tears rolling down both of their faces before Veth spoke again. “Come back to the group Caleb,” she pleaded. “You heard the Traveler, there is a chance that we can bring her back.”

After some minutes Caleb timidly wiped the tears off his face and stood up to follow Veth. He sat down at some distance from the rest of the Nein, while the others looked worriedly at him. It didn’t made sense for Caleb. Why would they be worried for him? They should be furious. He very well knew that all of them liked Jester better than him. Not like he was blaming them, he could get behind the sentiment. _They must be worried that I will kill them too_ , decided eventually Caleb.

* * *

Some time passed before Artagan teleported back to Rumblcasp, now in the company of Keyleth, Vex and Percy. The Mighty Nein and Vilya stood up when they heard them arrive, everyone except Caleb, but even he looked up at the arrivals. Their eyes were full of sadness and a tiny bit of hope.

“Wait… Mom?” cried out Keyleth. It would have been hard to decide who looked most surprised between the eleven of them.

“Keyleth?” gasped Vilya as she stood up and started to walk towards the newcomers. At the next moment they were hugging, tears in both of their eyes.

“Did you know about this?” asked a perplexed Vex’ahlia from Artagan.

“No!” came the answer.

Keyleth and Vilya was murmuring to each other, the older one trying to explain to her daughter what happened to her, why she couldn’t go home earlier.

Beau started to become more and more impatient as time passed. “Can you help?” she asked looking over the newcomers.

“Uhm… Maybe? Your friend, she got disintegrated, right? I can start a ritual, but I will need your help to reach her soul. She will want to came back, right? What was her name again? What are your names? I’m Keyleth and…” mumbled Keyleth nervously. She never made this ritual before, she hadn’t even made a simpler resurrection ritual, ever. Maybe they should have brought Pike too?

Vex stepped closer to her as she realized her growing panic, and put a hand on her shoulder. “Calm down darling,” whispered the ranger reassuringly. “I’m Vex’ahlia, this is Percival.” She pointed to her husband and then looked questioningly at the other group, waiting for them to introduce themselves.

“Fjord,” started the half-orc after a moment of silence. “Beau.” “Yasha.” “I’m Caduceus Clay,” answered some of the others too.

“I’m Veth, and that’s Caleb,” said the halfling after she saw that Caleb won’t introduce himself.

“And our friends name is… was Jester Lavorre,” offered Fjord. 

“Oh, guys, this is my mom!” exclaimed Keyleth looking back at her friends.

“Hello, Vilya, it is nice to meet you,” smiled at her Percy as Vex gave her a small nod and smile too. There was a moment of silence before Keyleth started to explain what they needed to do.

“Okay, so we will need a resurrection ritual. I will need the help of three of you to reach out for Jester’s soul and convince her to come back. But it will take some time to prepare the ritual, so you have time to think about this. Percy, Vex, can you get me the diamonds please?” said Keyleth as she started to draw glyphs on the floor. The two other members of Vox Machina opened their Bag of Holding and started to pull out diamonds of it and placing them in the middle of the circle. After some time they ran out of diamonds but they substituted the rest of them with refined residuum.

An hour or so later Keyleth finished the drawings and murmured some words which caused the glyphs to faintly light up. “Who wants to go first?” asked the druid while looking over the group.

“I… I will,” said Caleb as he stood up and walked closer. Every eye was on him, but he couldn’t look at his friends. He kneeled down in the resurrection circle, next to the diamonds. He started to draw with the chalk that he was clasping in his hand. He draws a little snow angel like figure with tiefling horns, not dissimilar to the one he draw before leaving Kravaraad. “Jester, I… You are my favourite, and I’m so sorry,” murmured the wizard as he finished the drawing. He backed out of the circle.

No one noticed as Percy furrowed his brow for a moment.

Part of the circle stopped glowing. They all knew what that meant.

Caleb went into a catatonic state once more. He failed. He couldn’t even help her come back. He should have left someone else do something. Someone who could actually help his friend.

Beau stepped closer to the sigil and started to talk.

“Jester, you make the world a better, brighter place. You are kind, strong and competent and my best friend.” She was almost crying, but she tried to compose herself. “We need you.” She stopped for a second. “I need you. Love you, Jes. So please come back.”

As Beau finished a part of the circle started to glow brighter. Everyone released a relieved sigh. 

Fjord approached the circle.

“Jester, when I first met you… You were the first person to accept me to who I was. And since then you made me a better person. You made all of us better persons. But not only that, you made us happier. And I don’t think that we repaid you for everything, so you have to come back and let us help you with Traveler Con and with anything else you will ever need.”

Another section of the sigil lit up.

Everyone looked over at Keyleth expectantly as she sprinkled some holy water onto the top of the gems and said quietly Jester’s name. The diamonds and the shards of residuum started to levitate a couple of inches from the floor and then twirling in the air so fast that only white and green stripes was visible. A black raven flew to Keyleth’s shoulder which was strange for multiple reasons, mainly because they were in a secret cave behind an upside down waterfall and because they were in a tropical island where they haven’t seen this kind of bird before. Neither Keyleth, Vex or Percy seemed surprised, but they looked to be a little bit reassured. Suddenly the components of the spell crumbled to dust but in the middle of the resurrection circle there lied the body of a little blue tiefling.

Jester suddenly sat up on the deck of the ship, looking around frantically until her eyes found her friends. In the next moment she was in the middle of a group hug. Veth sat in her lap with her arms around her middle. Beau was hugging her from one side, Fjord from the other. Yasha kneeled behind Beau, she grasped Jetser’s hand with one of her own and put her other arm around the monk. Caduceus had long enough arms to almost be able to hug everyone while sitting behind Jester. Artagan stepped closer to the group but he didn’t join them. Percy settled his arms around Vex’s waist, Vilya clasped one of Keyleth’s hands. All four of them moved a little bit away from the group to give them some privacy.

* * *

Caleb hadn’t joined the others, he didn’t have the right. He was extremely relieved and happy that Jester was okay, but he had nothing to do with it. Even when he tried to help, tried to right the wrong he did, he failed. He was sure that she will hate him. Maybe it’s better if she does, less chance to hurt her again.

He moved back a little bit then turned his back and walked away. He walked below deck and sat down at the far side of the ship.

He was useless. He had always been useless, but he was ineffective against Vokodo, he couldn’t even banish him. He was useless during the ritual. It was even worse, he wasn’t just useless, he was destructive. He destroyed everything in his path, he destroyed everyone he loved. It was just a matter of time before he will hurt the Mighty Nein again. Maybe he should destroy himself. Everyone would be happier that way.

* * *

“Are you okay Jessie? Do you need healing? Caduceus heal her!” shrieked Veth.

“I’m okay, you guys. I’m completely alright, really, I feel better than at the end of the fight. I don’t need healing,” answered Jester.

After a couple of minutes while everyone babbled sweet reassurances and things like how worried they were, and how happy they are that she is back, finally all of them calmed dawn. This is when Jester looked around more thoroughly and noticed the Traveler.

“Artie!” shouted the tiefling as she ran towards the archfey, throwing her arms around his neck. Artagan hugged her back tightly.

“I’m so sorry I brought you here Jester. I didn’t want this to happen,” apologised the Traveler.

“I know, it’s okay! It wasn’t your fault!” beamed at him Jester. She kissed his cheek. He had tears in his eyes.

Jester looked around again. She realized that they are in the ship cave, on the Eden’s Horizon or the Nein Heroez as they planned to rename it. She saw at the bow of the ship Vilya with three strangers. As she turned back to her friends to ask some questions about who they were, she realised someone missing.

“Where is Caleb? Is he okay? Did something happen to him?” She was low-key panicking. The others looked around, only noticing now that the wizard was missing.

“He had been here,” answered Yasha confused.

“Yeah, I’m sure he is just sulking somewhere,” said Beau a little bit worriedly.

“Caleb went below deck,” offered Vilya as the other group walked closer. “I’m happy you are alright Jester.” She also got a hug from the tiefling. When they separated, she noticed the younger woman looking at the other three curiously. “This is my daughter, Keyleth. She is the one who brought you back,” continued the druid. Jester hugged Keyleth shortly too, while exclaiming her thanks, which surprised the half-elf. “And her friends, Vex’ahlia and Percival,” finished Vilya. Jester waved at them while giggling.

“I think one of you should speak with your friend,” started Percy referring to Caleb, “He hadn’t looked so good.”

“What happened exactly?” The curiosity returned to Jester’s face along with a little bit of confusion. Nobody answered for a moment, until Caduceus started speaking.

“After you dropped concentration on the Banishment, we all attacked Vokodo. Caleb tried to use Disintegrate, but it got reflected, and the spell hit you, and… Well, I couldn’t bring you back, but the Traveler said that he might know someone that can, and after some time he appeared with them. It turned out, that Keyleth is Vilya’s daughter, and then she brought you back. Beau and Fjord assisted with the ritual, and Caleb tried too, but it didn’t seem to help.”

“Traveler, how do you know them?” turned Jester to her god, still mildly confused, but less so.

“Oh, we met a while back. I was still stuck in the Feywild. We made some deals. Actually, they are the ones who built me the door to come here,” professed Artagan. Jester nodded understandingly.

“I think Caleb kinda blames himself for… You know, that you… For what happened,” blurted out Veth. “I’ll go talk to him.” Veth started to go to the direction of the stairs, but Jester stopped her.

“I will go,” said the tiefling.

Before she disappeared under the deck, she heard someone ask: “Why do they call you the Traveler?” She didn’t recognize the voice, so she thought it must had been the black-haired half-elf. She found it a little bit funny, obviously they know her friend before he become a god, but she didn’t linger to hear the answer.

It was dark, but she had darkvision, so she could see Caleb huddled up at the opposite side of the ship. She started to approach him, she didn’t tried to stay quiet, but he didn’t seemed to react to her presence. When she reached him, she crouched down before him. “Caleb?” said Jester quietly while touching his hands. He shooted up with panic in his eyes as he tried to back out, but his back was already at the wall. Jester scooted a little bit away from him to give him space. They were silent for a couple of seconds while Caleb calmed down a bit.

“It’s okay Caleb. I’m okay! See? I’m great!” She tried to reassure him. She had a smile on her face, but it was a little bit fake. It wasn’t like she wasn’t alright, she was just worried about her friend.

Caleb looked up for a millisecond. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, please… Jester, I… I’m sorry, I just…” whimpered the wizard while rocking himself back and forth.

“It’s okay Caleb.” She tried to touch his hand again. He didn’t pull away, but she wasn’t sure that he realized the touch either. “It wasn’t your fault. I don’t blame you. No one blames you. It was just an accident.”

They were like this for a while. Caleb murmuring apologies, Jester trying to reassure him, while creeping closer and closer. At the end she was hugging him, and they both stopped talking, as Caleb cried in her arms.

* * *

“So you want to tell me, that after you strangled my brother, we defeated a newly ascended god and built you a doorway to our world, you used that to become a god?” Vex was aggravated.

“I didn’t want to be a god! I just… She thought that I’m one, and I didn’t correct her. I tried to teach her Eldritch Blast and she made Sacred Flame! It wasn’t my fault!” Artagan and Vex were gazing at each other, without blinking. The archfey could feel that she wasn’t happy with him, and the woman kind of scared him. Of course, he would never admit it.

Vex couldn’t decide between being furious and amused. On one hand, she didn’t want to deal with another person trying to ascend but it was truly ironic that how much trouble Vecna went through to reach godhood, while Artagan did it accidentally. Because a little girl believed in him.

The Mighty Nein had so many questions but they had no idea where to start. Until Beau blurted out one. “Wait… you strangled someone?”

“I had permission!” Artagan broke the eye contact with Vex to look at Beau. He noticed Percy and Keyleth being quite amused with their argument.

Beau raised up her eyebrows questioningly, but Vex nodded, indicating that he wasn’t lying.

* * *

Caduceus needed to stop Veth from going after Jester and Caleb a couple of times in the next hours before the pair emerged. It was plain to see that they weren’t completely okay, especially not Caleb but it was a good sign that he joined them. And really, they couldn’t expect more from him. When the halfling saw them, she ran to Caleb to hug him.

“Well, I think it time to go home,” said Percy, Vex and Keyleth nodded in agreement.

“I think I will have to stay for a few days, to explain what happened for the others from the village. But I will go home in a couple of days! Is that okay?” Vilya was looking at Keyleth apologetically and pleadingly. She didn’t want to leave her daughter so soon after reuniting with her, but she had a small amount of responsibility for Vo too. She just hoped that she will understand.

“Oh, okay! I can totally understand! Can you come to Whitestone? Do you know where that is? Dad and I will be spending some days there. I’m sure you are welcome, right?” Keyleth looked at Percy and Vex for their approval. “You can meet my other friends, Pike, Scanlan and Grog, it will be great!”

“Yes, of course, it would be nice to have you, and there is a lot of rooms in the castle,” answered Vex.

“I think I can get to Whitestone. It’s in the Parchwood Timberlands, right? I can remember a tree near the Trust Fields and fly the rest of the way, if that’s okay,” answered Vilya. Everyone agreed to this plan.

There were gears turning in Caleb’s head. Those names sounded familiar.

“Are you… Are you Vox Machina?” asked the wizard amazed.

“Uhm… Well, yeah,” answered Keyleth.

Beau hit her forehead with her hand. “Oh, I should have realized! With all the talk about defeating gods.”

The rest of the Mighty Nein looked confused. 

“You must have heard about them, they are quite famous in Tal’Dorei. They killed a group of ancient dragons and beat up a god that was threatening the world,” explained Beau. The others just shook their heads.

“Anyway, we should get going darlings,” said Vex to her friends.

“Is there any big tree nearby?” asked Keyleth while trying to look out of the cave through the waterfall.

Vilya nodded. “You will find some that you can use.” The three of them started to walk towards the exit.

“By the way, what is the name of your adventuring group?” turned back Vex before reaching the mouth of the cave. The others had already left after saying their goodbyes.

“We are the Mighty Nein” answered Fjord.

Vex raised her eyebrows. “Are you the group that Allura was talking about? It’s a small world. If you are ever near Whitestone, come say hi.” said Vex laughing before exiting the cave. The Mighty Nein didn’t even had time to react to their mutual acquaintance. 

* * *

They could relax for a little bit. Vokodo was dead, Jester was alive. They knew that they had a lot to do, starting with Traveler Con. Apparently Jester didn’t lose her enthusiasm because of dying. They knew that sooner or later they had to deal with the presence of that creature from the Astral See. And maybe most importantly they knew that they had to keep an eye on Caleb and eventually have a real talk with him about what happened. Help him accept what can’t be forgotten. It wouldn’t be easy and they needed to be patient, but they also had to keep trying and hoping. After all, they had time.


End file.
